One year ago
my beloved Vangelis
left his body
I wrote some stuff after that
a way to process
the shock and the grief
The message was crystal clear
just like the morning
on its way through the dawn
The sun slowly making it above the horizon
shining on frosty branches
Like you, rising above the pain
shining in awe and amazement
I could feel you
reaching me that early morning
even though the message clearly said
you're not here anymore
I will never forget that morning. The phone call at 5.30, winter, still dark, a cottage in the countryside in Sweden.
Crying and in shock I climb down the stairs from the loft where I sleep. I light a candle and sit down on the couch and just sit there for a couple of hours. Trying to grasp the ungraspable and let the fathomless sink in to my system.
The day dawns slowly. It is an extraordinary beautiful morning, it will be a sunny day.
In my shocking state, grieving and crying over the loss of my beloved, I was amazed by the beauty around me. And it was like I could feel him, like he was there with me, and I could somehow feel his amazement over what was happening to him.
Du finns i snön som faller
mjukt på mina kinder
i en smekning
som smälter samman med mina tårar
Like he is somehow present, everywhere, and his presence is touching love without touching.
It could have been Better
I hope I gave you everything
I know I didn't
I know I could have done better
It could have been different
We could have left our shortcomings behind
and made everything better
Just open hearts with love streaming
through everything we did
It seems too late but it's not
now is always the time
now I can feel you and that pure love
streaming through me and everything I do
I learned and still learn that grief has many faces. To miss him so much it hurts my body, to be reminded of him by smallest little things, the merciless realization that I will never see him again. And there are also feelings of regret, guilt and anger as well as worries, despair and meaninglessness.
But there is also something I've come to call Pure Grief.
This is something that hits me unpredictably anytime and is not connected to thoughts.
It just takes my body and my whole being, cracks me open in raw, pure feeling and directly connects me to life, the human experience and the beauty of all that
Sometimes when I think of you
and try to connect with you
I can feel something in my heart
like a knocking
like you are trying to get in there
and teach me what love is
what it really is
You can lose the one you love
but you don't lose the love
You'll get over it
You'll get over it
time heals all wounds
But I say
I don't want to get over it
sadness is part of being human and I 'm not afraid of it
I see it doesn't break me or drive me crazy
it rather makes me more sane, more human, more humble and more loving
The sadness of having lost a loved one
brings me closer to the one I lost