One year ago
my beloved Vangelis
passed away
crossed over
left his body
died
I wrote some stuff after that
a way to process
the shock and the grief
Here
is
some
of
it
That
morning
The
message was crystal clear
just
like the morning
on
its way through the dawn
The
sun slowly making it above the horizon
shining
on frosty branches
Like
you, rising above the pain
shining
in awe and amazement
I
could feel you
reaching
me that early morning
even
though the message clearly said
you're
not here anymore
I
will never forget that morning. The phone call at 5.30, winter, still
dark, a cottage in the countryside in Sweden.
Crying
and in shock I climb down the stairs from the loft where I sleep. I
light a candle and sit down on the couch and just sit there for a
couple of hours. Trying to grasp the ungraspable and let the
fathomless sink in to my system.
The
day dawns slowly. It is an extraordinary beautiful morning, it will
be a sunny day.
In
my shocking state, grieving and crying over the loss of my beloved, I
was amazed by the beauty around me. And it was like I could feel him,
like he was there with me, and I could somehow feel his amazement
over what was happening to him.
Du
finns
Du
finns i snön som faller
mjukt
på mina kinder
i
en smekning
som
smälter samman med mina tårar
Like
he is somehow present, everywhere, and his presence is touching love
without touching.
It
could have been Better
I
hope I gave you everything
I
know I didn't
I
know I could have done better
It
could have been different
We
could have left our shortcomings behind
and
made everything better
Just
open hearts with love streaming
through
everything we did
It
seems too late but it's not
now
is always the time
now
I can feel you and that pure love
streaming
through me and everything I do
I
learned and still learn that grief has many faces. To miss him so
much it hurts my body, to be reminded of him by smallest little
things, the merciless realization that I will never see him again.
And there are also feelings of regret, guilt and anger as well as
worries, despair and meaninglessness.
But
there is also something I've come to call Pure Grief.
This
is something that hits me unpredictably anytime and is not connected
to thoughts.
It
just takes my body and my whole being, cracks me open in raw, pure
feeling and directly connects me to life, the human experience and
the beauty of all that
Sometimes
Sometimes
when I think of you
and
try to connect with you
I
can feel something in my heart
like
a knocking
like
you are trying to get in there
and
teach me what love is
what
it really is
real
unconditional
love
You
can lose the one you love
but
you don't lose the love
You'll
get over it
You'll
get over it
they
say
time
heals all wounds
But
I say
I
don't want to get over it
sadness
is part of being human and I 'm not afraid of it
I
see it doesn't break me or drive me crazy
it
rather makes me more sane, more human, more humble and more loving
The
sadness of having lost a loved one
brings
me closer to the one I lost
